My assignment for this essay was to write a story in the form of the game.  I had to mix a life story with a sport of sorts. An example would be to write an event in your life in the narration of a sports commentator. So I used the "game" that was big in pop culture at the time, and I got to "roast" my English teachers at the same time!


Who wants to Graduate?


"Is that your final answer?"


"IS that your final answer?"

I was caught totally off guard, "I don't know, why do you ask? Do you know something I don't?"

"Jay, don't tempt me, do you want too add anything to your answer?"

This teacher was a genius, she knew I hadn't studied for this oral test. Therefore her strategy of removing my confidence in my own answers was quite successful. I backed down on my answer and replied with some clever amalgamation of facts I heard in her random lectures and my own conception of how the book should have ended.

"Sorry Jay, you had it right at first, you never should have changed your answer. And the correct pronunciation is "To kill a mocking bird", not "Tequila Mockingbird". Atticus Finch was not a drunkard who defended ornithologists, if you had actually read the book you would know better than to answer like that."

I was just proud to know a word like "ornithologists" and be able to use it in a sentence. My 85 in Freshman English didn't seem so bad then. I was just proud to go head to head with my Geography teacher in a duel of wits and come across as the winner to my classmates. Geography teacher? How does that relate to Freshman English?

"Your choices for the $100 answer are:"

A. It doesn't, Jay is just really confused and is writing an incoherent essay and didn't proof read his work
B. Because Texas school systems were so bad that they had to use the Geography teacher as the Freshman English teacher
C. English and Geography are so much alike that the terms are synonyms and may be interchanged at will
D. Texas school systems at the time used block schedules with rotating 4-classes-a-day "A" and "B" school days, so the "smart" teachers banded together and taught simultaneously in the same class so the students who had English 2nd period on "A" days and Geography 2nd period on "B" days actually went to the same class both days and suffered under the same two dupes on a daily basis rather than the normal every-other-day basis suffered in other classes.

"As an ACT English tutor once told me, the longest answer is usually the best answer so I'll pick "D". "

"Is that your final answer?"

"Shut up and tell me if I'm right"

My Freshman English was a new experience. I was in a class with 40 other kids I had been with since 3rd grade, but nothing we had been through before prepared us for the duel wits of Mrs. Ault and Mrs. Jones. Rather than go to English every other day and Geography every other day as two separate classes, the teachers banded together and taught everyday for 45 minutes each out of the 90 minute period. The English teacher, Mrs. Ault, really knew what she was talking about and the whole class actually enjoyed her presence. Books like "Childhood's End" and "Huckleberry Finn" seemed actually interesting under her tutelage. But it was the absented-minded geography teacher, Mrs. Jones, who ruined the experience for the class. If the teacher actually knew what she was talking about and told us accurate information for testing, the class wouldn't be half bad. The only way I pulled an "A" out of that class was by my constant use of vocabulary words which we learned on a weekly basis. For each "octogenarian" and "laceration" I slipped into my Geography essays I earned 5 bonus points. The only satisfaction I got out the class was the uncanny ability we had to cause Mrs. Jones to burst into tears and retreat from the room every time we proved her wrong (which was quite often). So when we had an oral test over "To Kill a Mockingbird" I knew Mrs. Jones would be out for my blood since I was one who time after time proved my superior knowledge. She was able to dupe me into retracting my answer and it caused my to fail my first oral test. Yet still I look back on my Freshman English class with pride, because I know with every point I lost on that test, I received payment in the form of tears from a teacher not even worthy of her title.

"For $200 dollars: What is does sophomore mean?"

A. Two more years until freedom
B. Intellectually pretentious but premature
C. Just another group to intimidate
D. Where are you going with this?

Well, Mrs. Saunders, my sophomore English, teacher taught me 200 Latin prefixes to help me on my SAT, two of those prefixes being "soph" meaning wisdom (ex. Sophisticated) and "mor" meaning foolish (ex. Moronic). Therefore my choice will be "B" since it is the only sane choice.

"Is that your final answer?"

"Look, I don't have to put up with this, if you don't stop asking me that I'll rip out your throat and shove it down what would be your throat if I hadn't ripped it out"

I loved my Sophomore English class. Mrs. Saunders worked out a schedule with our World History teacher so when we were learning about the Roman civilization in history, we were reading "Julius Caesar" in English. Everything made more sense in this fashion. I understood "All Quiet on the Western Front" better with a fully comprehensive knowledge of German World War 1 warfare. I understood "Alas, Babylon" after reenacting the Cuban Missile Crisis. "A Tale of Two Cities" actually was interesting after learning the treacheries committed in the Bastille. And "Tartuffe" was still completely uninteresting after learning 18th century English lifestyles. But still even the best things have minor problems, and the "Tartuffe" example was far out weighed by all the good things I learned in that class. Another bonus in the class was the ability to choose our own books we wanted to read rather than being forced to read a novel that was completely uninteresting. This tactic proved extremely useful, especially since my English grades raised dramatically (90 to a 94) after reading "The World According to Garp" (John Irving showed me the "light"). And a final bonus in that class was that everything I learned actually lasted long enough in my memory so that two years later when I actually needed to recall on it I still partially knew it.

"For $300: What is the definition of an English Hiatus?"

A. Sleeping in class during lectures about books read two years earlier
B. Spontaneously stopping all use of English and speaking Spanish for a limited time
C. Moving from a city after 16 years of residence to Arkansas and sleeping through a year of Junior English which in reality was a repeat of 7th grade English in Texas
D. No such term exists

"Well I always favor a good "burn" so I'll choose "C" since it makes fun of Arkansas."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Look mister, I don't like you insulting my intelligence every time you ask me that. Its almost as if you are saying that I don't know what I am talking about and you have to second guess my every word."

Junior English class. What can I say? It was my time to sleep. I was depicted as a genius among my classmates just by spouting out minor things I learned in my Texas years. Sure the class was fun, but I lost many of my abilities which I had worked so hard to learn in my previous years. If not for my quick thinking, I would have lost all my Latin prefixes and vocabulary words. But by writing them down in my English notebook, I still retain them to this very day. I don't want to sound too egotistical though, I did have fun in the class and I did learn a few things. "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" was one of the best books I ever read and I am now a John Malkovich fan after watching his performance in "The Glass Menagerie". But truthfully, I have to say that my Junior year was my only worthless year. Its not the teacher's fault though, I understand. It is just the students in Arkansas had less background in English than I did and the class was spent learning things I already knew. I could have skipped it and gone straight to AP, which I was scheduled for in Texas before I moved, and probably done better in it than I am now. Which brings us to the final question.

"For a diploma: What is the purpose of this essay?"

A. For real, I would like to know
B. To express my mind by relating my life to some pop culture show and finding my niche in writing
C. To push my Senior English teacher's sanity to its limits by writing an unorganized, spontaneous essay full of run-on sentences and sentence fragments that are hopefully quite acceptable in this type of essay
D. I fail to see the point of this final question and therefore refuse to answer any further questions following this final question

"Dang, that's a close one, I would like to use my 50/50 lifeline"

"Good choice, computer please remove two answers and tell us what is left"

B. To express my mind by relating my life to some pop culture show and finding my niche in writing
C. To push my Senior English teacher's sanity to its limits by writing an unorganized, spontaneous essay full of run-on sentences and sentence fragments that are hopefully quite acceptable in this type of essay

"Well that didn't help a bit, I'll use my phone-a-friend lifeline"

"Another good choice, who would you like to call?"

"My Senior English teacher, Mrs. Slavens"

"Why do you think she would know the answer?"

"Because she seems to know everything that is considered correct in English.

Even when I am sure I know what I am talking about she always proves me wrong so I am hoping she will set me straight on this question. You see, my Senior English has been one of the interesting ones. It revived my expectations in an Arkansas class after I had lost all faith because of my Junior year. I am once again pushed to my limits on everything I do, so it reminds me of my Sophomore year. The class is spent learning new things not relearning old material unlike my last year. And its one of the few classes I can't fake my way out of, although I have to cease trying. While I am rereading some books I talked about in 9th grade, "Lord of the Flies" and "Things Fall Apart", I still am constantly reminded that I don't know everything and I actually have to earn my "A". Every time I finish an essay which I feel happy in, I get it back all butchered because of clashes between my previous teachings and my current diction. My concept of run-on sentences is not the best which is why I still look to my teacher for information, even if it involves receiving a paper covered in red marks. The only thing I haven't learned to do in that class is prove the difference in sincerity and sucking up. Constantly I say things which I mean sincerely, but due to past rendezvous' I am depicted as lying to save my own skin. On the other hand, vice versa applies to that quote too. I guess the final million dollar question to my teacher is which category this quote falls under. Is it sincere or another blatant and futile attempt to win brownie points? That is why I choose to call her"

"Aw, too bad. I'm sorry Jay, but you spent so much time reminiscing about your Senior year that you reminisced during your entire phone call."

"Shoot will I ever learn. I guess only my teachers can tell me the answer to that"     *ambiguous statement alert*

"So that is your final answer?"

"Now THAT is my final answer."

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